The feeling when our hopes and expectations become unaligned with reality, a feeling felt deep within out being – This is disappointment.
A complex and often confusing feeling that somehow seems to manage to linger and re-enter our thoughts at times when we are least expecting it. Disappointment is an uncomfortable feeling that we all experience but why is it that for some of us disappointment seems to manifest itself into more? Far too many of us direct our feelings of disappointment inwards, attributing these negative experiences to personal weaknesses. We blame ourselves, feel embarrassed or ashamed for others and ourselves to see that we have fallen short of our ideal self-image.
Our internal narrative whispers: “You didn’t deserve that anyway”
QUESTION: I want you to take a moment to think about a time when you experienced your first deep disappointment, what occurred, how did it make you feel, and how did you respond?
I have (at a surface level) divided our experience of disappointment into 3 types. Is there one that you relate to most when thinking about your answer to the question above?
3 ways people avoid disappointment:
- Avoid by underachievement.
“Some people seek to avoid disappointment by turning into underachievers. Without realizing it, they have decided that the best strategy is not to have high expectations about anything.” (HBR, 2018)
By avoiding disappointment all together, surprisingly it does not lead to increased happiness but in reality, it will bring you nothing more than mediocre or for others the stress of achieving perfection.
- Avoid by overachievement.
“Others, following a very different trajectory, seek to avoid disappointment by becoming overachievers.” (HBR, 2018)
With the bar set too high, it can often be forgotten that perfectionism rarely creates perfection, or happiness — instead, it too often leads to disappointment.
- Avoid by acceptance.
These individuals have an approach that is more balanced. An understanding that neither perfection or avoidance will in reality truly avoid disappointment. Instead, they accept that disappointment is part of the process, an inevitability that setbacks are a part of the journey.
How to better manage disappointment and stop feeling stuck
While it is helpful for us to know which way we experience disappointment, it does not mean that we are categorised in this way forever. What if I told you there were ways you could manage your disappointment and turn them into lessons learnt rather than lessons lost?
- Accept how you feel – Disappointment hurts and that’s okay, it feels the same to everyone.
- Stop internalising the disappointment. This event does not label you as a disappointment (unless you choose to put that label on yourself).
- You can learn from these experiences; it is showing you a lesson and only if you choose to recognise this will you be able to learn valuable things about yourself.
- Remind yourself: disappointment will happen if you go outside of your comfort zone. Everyone who is now successful and you may look up to have had their share of disappointments and failures in their journey to the top.
- By not allowing the disappointment out into the open you will keep yourself “stuck”. By doing this you may not see when your next opportunity passes you by.
How not ruminate and lose focus.
If you feel yourself getting caught up in your feelings of disappointment, take some time to yourself. Use this time to really sit and unpack why the experience still feels heavy to you. Acknowledging this will help you let it go.
Guided meditation to regain focus
Honor your heart and honor your mind for all the love you have and all the love you can give
Visualise
Breathing is helping us to calm our mind and sooth the causes of any upset
Your most precious gift we can give our self is the time attention you can give your breath
We are all on a journey of curiosity and embracing what is
Stop, take a breath and pause for a minute
Be here, be here now, keep focused on your breathing
Notice if your mind wanders to the past to the future
Bring it back to this moment now, embrace your inner world
You are good enough
You are fine just as you are
You are peace
You are love
For more tips and tools download your free e-book ‘Just in time’, tune into Saha Mindset podcast on Spotify and follow me on FB (Mamta Saha) and IG (Saha_Mamta). Talk to me anytime: mamta@mamtasaha.com
As always, I wish you peace and happiness.